I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
