her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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