you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
