You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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