I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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