I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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