TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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