So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
