If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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