He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
