Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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