it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
