Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
