He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize