giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
