Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
accomplished twins. life is a go
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
