I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize