and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize