I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
