I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I did not marry a roomba.
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