I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize