Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
