i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
