At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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