just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
