Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
