I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
