I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize