he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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