I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
