i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just google imaged poop.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
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