we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
