We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize