my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
