He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
