You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
