There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
