I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
