FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
