my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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