Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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