Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
