office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
