How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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