you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
