Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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