The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
