It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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