If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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