I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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