i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
