I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
