I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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