Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
