Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
