I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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