Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
