We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize