his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
