I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My liver just broke up with me...
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
