Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
