You made me cry and you don't even care
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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