I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize