Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
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